The Return of the Gamer

Today, I played Warhammer.

Now that might not seem surprising to any of you reading this - I am a self-proclaimed gamer (or ex-gamer) at the least, and this is, or at least was back in 2013 a blog about two of us attempting to begin playing Warhammer again - however, I shall explain why I, at least, am surprised about this turn of events.

As I mentioned above, it was the dim and distant past of 2013 when either of us last posted, we had (as you can still see below, although currently without some of the pictures...) just declared that Luke was going to collect an Ogre Kingdoms force and I would summon the Lizardmen to battle.

"All well and good" you might say, "but why have there been no further updates? Where are the posts about painting, and, yes indeed, gaming?"

Unfortunately, life and my own degree of apathy about painting got in the way.

We explained the premise of the exercise, a limited budget to produce an army on a monthly basis. This was fine and we were both enthusiastic. Until an online store let us down, badly.

I'm not going to name them here, as I'm not even sure they are still trading, but we submitted an order for the starter boxes for each of our races and they were simply unable to deliver. Even more annoyingly it took me a good couple of months to get a refund. This somewhat sapped my enthusiasm for the whole enterprise and whilst Luke managed to get some Ogres sorted my Lizardmen battalions simply didn't take off.

Then Games Workshop broke Warhammer...

Warhammer The End Times

To put it simply, a series of five extremely well-written (for the most part) supplements were released detailing the end of the Warhammer World. All of the prophecies resolved, some Big Bads returned and eventually the planet itself (the moon had gone earlier) was destroyed.

Warhammer Fantasy Battle was replaced by...

Warhammer Age of Sigmar

 

Now I have to say that Age of Sigmar is not a game that inspires me. I may go into this further in a later post, but for now let me show you a brief comparison.

 

As exhibit A we have the Warhammer Eighth Edition Rulebook:



Warhammer 8th Edition Rulebook



 



A substantial hardback tome, with pages of background material, lots of pictures of models and the game rules.

 

As exhibit B I give you:

http://www.games-workshop.com/en-GB/Warhammer-Age-of-Sigmar-Rules

 

Yes, that is link, follow it and you will find a free (alright, I have to give them that, not that I would be willing to pay...) four-page PDF of the new Core Rules.

 

Yes, four pages.

 

No, I don't understand how you can possibly think you can write a coherent balanced set of rules for battling with radically different collections of miniatures in just four pages either.

 

But, and I realise I am rambling slightly, I hear you ask, "I thought you said you'd played Warhammer? Today?"

 

Yes, with a slightly bit of authorial licence I indeed have, rather I played Warhammer 40,000, but not the conventional Warhammer 40,000 you may be aware of.

 

Rather I, and Luke, played a battle set in the Age of Darkness, the first battle we may have ever played on a proper gaming table with good scenery and two fully painted armies.

 

With miniatures and rules designed by the wonderful people at Forge World, the Heresy began... and hopefully that's my cue for further posts by either Luke or myself.

Battle in progress



The Horus Heresy

The Ogre Kingdoms? Sounds fat.

(This post has been a long time coming, stupid iPad app lost my completed version. Sorry, y'all!)

So, why Ogres?

Because Ogres have layers!

*Ahem*

Sorry, had to get that out of the way first.

Anyway, the Ogre Kingdoms, that was my choice. I guess I owe it to you folks to answer why. Obviously there are many reasons and, because this is a blog post, I am going to reel them off at you to take up space. Enjoy the ride!

1. They're bloody great ogres!

The first, and most important, point is simple: Almost the entire army list is made of big, hungry ogres. All of which, by Warhammer rules, count not as mere infantry, but as 'Monsterous Infantry'. This gives many benefits, but my favourite being an ogre specialty: when they charge they'll do impact damage when they slam into you before they even swing their swords (they're a huge mass of muscle and fat, after all). They really get the vibe of being a massive tide of flesh, an unstoppable force. There are other advantages to being big too. For example: They may look fat, but being twice the height of a man gives them twice the stride and thus they move faster than most infantry in the game. Some of them carry full size cannons and fire them from the hip! Seriously, what is not to like?

2. Gnoblars

What in the blue hell is a gnoblar? Well, they're a reasonably close cousin to the Goblins of the Warhammer world. They are numerous and, in a fight, they're crap. But let me tell you: They're so endearing! I love the little blighters, scurrying between the footsteps of their ogre masters. You can even upgrade some to trappers, making charging them a risky proposition as you never know what lies in the undergrowth between you and them... I'd love to have a horde of them, but Games Workshop doesn't make it easy financially, but half of this challenge is bargain hunting anyway. Either way, I'll have to grab myself a Gnoblar Scraplauncher. Few things in life are more fun that a catapult dragged around by a Rhinox (awesome name) scooping up dropped battlefield weapons and lobbing the back at the enemy. Mwahahaha!

3. Character

Dem ogres, dey got character, you know? Some ogres, known as Maneaters, travel the world as mercenaries and bring back traits of far flung cultures when they return. This means that you have ninja ogres, pirate ogres, and probably clown ogres (joining the circus is an option...). While the models are expensive, they are lovely sculpts and I can see myself converting some of my models to match the themes (lizard pelt wearing ogre, anyone?).

4. Big Hungry Monsters riding Big Hungry Monsters

Tusky the Thundertusk

The Ogres have two nice, and very big, monsters they tend to ride around on. First is the Thundertusk. A mammoth. A big mammoth. The riders are the real joy of the model, however. Throwing a Man-trap on a chain? Genius!

The other main monster is the Stonehorn. This things are really nasty beasts who are so old that their bones have fossilised INSIDE their bodies. Biology be damned!

Stony the Stonehorn

In addition to their riding beasts, the Ogres have access to a wonderful tool of warfare. They are no great crafters themselves, but they have come to gain access to something quite wonderful: The Ironblasters. Perhaps the largest black powder 

weapon in the Warhammer world 
and, as such, it has acquired quite a reputation on the battlefield. These immense cannons were once used by the Sky-titans in their great wars and now, many years later, the Ogres have claimed them as their own. Strapped to a huge gun carriage and pulled by an aggressive Rhinox, the Cannon of the Sky-titans is wheeled into battle and loaded with a copious number of cannon balls. Yup, I'm planning on some drive-bys!


5. Trusting your Gut (Magic)

Finally, Ogres have magic. Not the Most Powerful Magic™, perhaps, but I would argue it is the Most Powerful Magic That Includes Cannabalistic Voodoo™. Eat the flesh of a regenerating troll and gain regeneration for yourself and your men. Good times all round.

That's all for now. Next time: The first model...

An animal resembling a serpent, with legs added to it. [Johnson, late C14th]

"The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry, and horny.

The lizard brain only wants to eat and be safe.

The lizard brain will fight (to the death) if it has to, but would rather run away. It likes a vendetta and has no trouble getting angry." - Seth Godin


So it's been a few days since the last blog post, Luke and I have explained why we aren't collecting the vast majority of the Warhammer armies so it's now about time that I explain what I like about the one I'm going for.

Now I know you've probably figured it out from the picture at the bottom of my last post, if not from cross-referencing with Luke's (if you actually did this good for you! Top marks for effort) but that's no reason to not try and announce things with style.

Without further ado then... the Warhammer army I am collecting for this sorry Tale is...

[Fanfare please]

 

 

That's right - Lizardmen are my chosen force.

 



Now, you're probably thinking (based on the last post) that that's simply because I eliminated the other possibilities and this was the one I disliked least, so here is what it is that I like about this army.


One, IT'S AN ARMY OF DINOSAURS!

Ahem, sorry for shouting, but I just want to get over what a big thing this is.

Other armies are cool and have interesting technology (Empire Steam Tank, here's looking at you...) or fantastic monsters (always had a soft spot for a decent dragon) but these are all reptilian creatures from the dawn of time - how awesome is that!


Two, their backstory (aka the fluff as it's called in the hobby.)

This is the single oldest race in the Warhammer world, predating elves, dwarfs and certainly men by millennia. In that time they have tried to keep the entire world on the track set by mysterious Old Ones and have fought off every other race attempting to get a foothold in the jungles where the Lizardmen make their home.


Three, the miniatures.

I refer you to my comment about dinosaurs above, just take a look at these:

I don't know how on earth I'm going to paint them, but I want all these in my army eventually (watch out Luke!

Those are just the big 'uns as well, even the smaller creatures are brilliantly sculpted.


Four, the Slann.

What's a Slann? You'd be right to ask, as this is a little bit specialist, and pulls together all of the other three factors.

The Slann are the ultimate rulers of the Lizardmen, and are represented on the battlefield as can be seen to the right.

Now I appreciate that that miniature might not be to everybody's taste (my Mum in particular has always thought the "floating frog" looked silly) but I've liked it since it was first released for Warhammer 5th edition.

But it's not just the miniature that makes me like these guys.

The Slann are in fluff the most powerful wizards in the world. Full Stop. No questions asked.

In the past they have shifted continents, raised mountain ranges, obliterated armies and, at one point, moved the entire world closer to it's star.

Sure, they aren't quite up there now, and can't quite gather that focus to make games with one present meaningless but their battle magic is still pretty cool - after all it is the Most Powerful Magic™ in the world, just like my beloved High Elves.

On top of all that though, there are two named Slann characters that you can add to a Lizardmen army, both of whom I think are supremely wonderful.

One of these require a conversion to represent as Games Workshop have never made a specific model for him and that is Lord Mazdamundi. A mage capable of going toe (flipper?) to toe spellwise with anyone else in the world, and yet riding on the back of a Stegadon (see the middle picture of the three dinosaurs above.)

The second of these is the Venerable Lord Kroak (see left).

Yes, that is a mummified Slann in the picture.

Lord Kroak died about 4,450 years before the founding of the Empire, approximately 7,000 years before the Warhammer present day.

He hasn't let this stop him though.

After being slain in the final battle of a four century long siege, Lord Kroak's spirit refused to disperse and continued to invoke immensely powerful magic, destroying the invading army.

Since then his spirit still loiters around his mummified body which is floated out when the Lizardmen need the help of this ancient mage on the battlefield.

Despite a small problem with flammability, I look forward to adding Lord Kroak to my forces as well as he's one of my favourite characters in the entire game.


 Anyhow, this post has gone on a bit longer than I initially thought, but I hope I've enlightened you to the joy that is the Lizardmen.


Next time, the first miniature!

Ten Thousand Spoons...

So, from the top.

Ben Hollas and Luke Edwards embark on an epic quest to collect a single Warhammer army each in an orderly (and mildly competitively) manner.

This post will be focused on my reasons for turning down 13 of the factions that feature in the Warhammer world. This will be followed by, if you're lucky, a post on why I chose the one that I did.

So let's get down to it...

The following features my opinions on various factions. Your mileage may vary. Ben's certainly does...

Down at the first hurdle

The High Elves

The squeaky clean, if utterly insufferable, magic elves of the Warhammer world.

Ben Hollas is a High Elf. Or, at the very least, an Upper-Middle Elf. I would not feel right stepping into those shoes. Although I did find some allure in painting some High Elves using no white in the palette. I swear, I've never seen it done.

The Empire

Our human heroes of the setting, but truthfully an internally conflicted gathering of realms and states.

The weirdest answer here: The models have too much character. Frankly, it sounds like madness even to my ears, but it is a terrible problem for me. The core units of the Empire are, in my mind 'normal' men, albeit ones trained for war. If I'm going to send out my men I want each unit to be marching out as a unified force. The current Empire troops look too characterful for this. Each one looks like an angry, vicious killer charging forth, not a focused, trained soldier marching in step. That's the breaker for me. I love the rest of the force and I like he idea of playing the force of normal men striking out against the menagerie of horrific foes. Sadly the models look just as horrific to me as the monsters.

"God damn it, Barry! Put some bloody shoes on! We're soldiers for God's sake!"

Bretonnia

Questing knights and their peasant lackies.

I actually quite like the man-at-arms models for the Bretonnians. They successfully give me that 'ranked, normal men' feel that I want from my rank-and-file. Unfortunately Games Workshop doesn't seem to care as much for the Bretonnians. It's been nearly 10 years since their last new army book (some armies have had 3 in the same space of time) and many of their models are now showing their age. A great pity.

Dwarfs

Short, drunk, mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore!

I love blackpowder and giant hammers in equal measure, so Dwarfs (that is the correct plural for Warhammer, apparently) should be perfect. Sadly they are another example of a neglected army long due an update. They have the fewest plastic models (yes, at this stage I'm just using models to spite Mr Hollas' distaste for the term) of any faction and the metal/resin models that fill out the army are expensive to the point of being beyond the means of this particular challenge.

The Lost and the Damned

Daemons of Chaos

Inhuman entities from an alien realm.

When I was 10 this was SO COOL!
Hasn't aged well...

Wonderful models. Spectacular, even. However, the joy of the Daemonic hordes is how it is divided into the forces of the four core gods of chaos: Khorne, the Blood God, Slaanesh, the Prince of Excess, Nurgle, the Plague Father, and Tzeentch (Yeah, good luck with that...), the Changer of Ways. Each represents a different aspect and are as different as can be. They don't tend to get along. I would have had great interest in running an army of Nurgle (all rotten and puss-y) or Tzeentch (all magic-y and unpronouncible), however the current army book doesn't really support this method of play. It seems to be designed so that the player focuses on mixing their forces and I just can't reconcile that in my head.

Warriors of Chaos

Humans who have pledged themselves to the dark gods for corrupted power.

These bulky, armoured men have pledged themselves to those same gods of the daemons above. This army, however, is much more content to allow you to focus on a single god's forces. So far, so good. It is an expensive army monetarily, making up for the fact that you require less men than most forces with some crazy price per model. A way around this for most forces are the Battalion box sets that provide you with a core force for a discounted price. Sounds great, right? It usually is. Usually. Sadly the Warriors of Chaos battalion comes with some Chaos Warrios (Great!), Chaos Marauders (Ugly) and some hounds (Really ugly). So the option that saves me money, and would make them viable in this long term game, is filled with models I don't want. Ah well.

Beastmen

Mutated half-men who infest the forests of the Old World.

Yeah, I'm still calling 'Furry' on this one...

Honestly, I quite like the models for these guys (although 'Furries gone bad' does occasionally come to mind...). However, like the Bretonnians, their army book was written for a different era and even a casual glance over their stats and rules made me realise that they weren't an army I was going to enjoy playing on the current rule set.

The Been & Done

Vampire Counts

Dracula drags the dead on a day trip of destruction.

I love the undead. Shambling zombies and silent skeletons are how I like my hordes. So much so that it has already happened . The last time I played Warhammer it was with the first Vampire Counts army book, many moons ago. I have sold the models, but it is still a case of 'it's been done'.

Wood Elves

Magical pointy-ears from the woods. Just don't call them treehuggers. They don't like that.

Another faction I've done in the past and, like Dwarfs, a faction that is predominantly metal/resin, driving the price up. Both of these things are a pity, as they have some of the most dynamic models in the Warhammer range and I've found them to be a joy to paint.

The Final Few

Dark Elves

High Elves, darkly.

These guys just got a new army book and some nice new models. I like their theme, I like their rules, I like their models. Then GW released their new box for their core troops (which you can't really avoid building your army around) at £20 for 10 men. This is out of line with current prices (generally £20 gets you 16-20 men). I find this unreasonable. Thus I have to pass on these guys, who were high on my list.

Tomb Kings

You remember 'The Mummy'? That. Lots of that.

This wasn't around when I was 10.
It is DAMN COOL!

I do love my skeleton hordes, and nice,quick to paint bone too! Sadly I have the same slight bitterness that Mr Hollas previously expeessed: They had a really nice, interesting and different magic system that was neither overpowered, nor insultingly weak. It was a defining rules feature of a very visually distinct force.

Then Ben and I opened the new army book. The magic had been homogenised into the standard fare of the rest of the world.

With a heavy, nostalgic heart, I'll pass.

Lizardmen

Cold-blooded warriors from the jungle's depths.

I'd quite like to paint these guys. Bright colours, loads of sca
les and gold, and a good amount of variety in detailed models.

So why not? Because I'd fall into my old trap of playing the slow and steady, steamrolling, tough force. There are options for a lighter, skirmishing army, but the battalion box, so important in a money saving challenge, rules that out.

A pity, but perhaps it worked out for the best...

Skaven

Kill, kill! Die, die! Those pesky rat men...

These dirty rats were very nearly my choice. Loads of insane furry rodents wielding insane warpstone powered weapons, firing green lightning, and leading around giant mutated creatures of their devising. I was looking forward to trying out some interesting paint schemes (white rats, grey rats, brown rats, endless rats!).

So why not?

Honestly, because it wouldn't be fair.

You see, the Skaven are part of a Big Boxed Starter Game for Warhammer (along with High Elves). Many people buy this box to get the half they need for their army and put the rest on eBay, making it really, really cheap to buy up basic Skaven. 

Could I just swear off these cheap models for the sake of this challenge? As a competitor: Yes. But, as a sensible human being? No. I'd have to buy those core models early on and I'd be paying far more for the same results buying them seperately.

Sorry ratties, maybe next time.

So what does that leave me with? You'll have to wait and... Or cross reference with Ben's list. Or look at the picture on the left...

Anyway, I'll talk about them next time.

The haves and have-nots

I believe that Luke is currently drafting a similar article to this, so I don't know which of us will publish first, but this is a brief overview of how I decided upon which army to collect for this project.

First, however, lets have a bit more information.

Warhammer as a game is currently in it's eighth incarnation, and has been in continuous publication since 1983. (I love Wikipedia.)

 

It's proper name being Warhammer Fantasy Battle, it is the origin of the Warhammer fantasy world, had Warhammer 40,000 (grim dark future and all that) spun off it, and has been the entry point into the hobby of wargaming for hundreds if not thousands of people.

Currently available for the game are fifteen different armies, all of whom have different rules, tactics, miniatures and (extremely important to me - see my last post) paint schemes.

Of these fifteen I had to narrow it down to just one army to collect, paint, play and hopefully win with.

Some were easy to eliminate, others much harder, but I finally managed it; so in no particularly order, the fourteen rejected armies were...


Beastmen, Bretonia, Dwarves and Wood Elves

There comes a time in every cycle of Warhammer (eighth edition, remember?) when Games Workshop feel that the rules need tweaking to improve the quality of the game for all concerned - it has nothing to do with wanting to sell another set of rule books I'm sure of it - and so some armies get left behind while waiting for there rules to be updated.

This is currently the case for these four: the Chaotic (note the capital, that'll be important later) Beastmen of the forests, the Arthurian knights, the stunted folk and the tree-huggers. The rules and range of miniatures currently available isn't great and so they were out of the running.

A pity to a certain extent as I had seriously considered collecting Dwarves...

Daemons of Chaos and Warriors of Chaos

Remember when I said that capital for Chaos would be important? This is why.

In Warhammer the forces of Evil™ aren't ever really described as such, rather the potentially overwhelming darkness (grim dark again, this is Games Workshop after all) that all other armies must at some point work against is that of Chaos.

In the wargame the explicit Chaotic armies are Beastmen, Daemons of Chaos and Warriors of Chaos, and as I have no desire to be that Evil™ (currently), these were all ruled out.

Ogre Kingdoms, Orcs & Goblins, Skaven and The Empire

Four more armies in the list this time with no unifying feature other than I simply didn't want to paint them.

The Ogres are the newest of the Warhammer armies (to such an extent the last time I played the game, back in fifth edition, they didn't exist...) and I don't particularly like the suggested colour scheme (yes of course I could paint them differently, haven't you been paying attention though? I have enough issues painting without trying to devise my own colour schemes!)

Orcs & Goblins are your stereotypically onrushing horde of fighty monsters in a variety of scales, and that word sums up my reason against this one - horde. Horde of course implies many miniatures. All of which need to be painted. Plus I've never enjoyed painting green. Next!

Skaven are semi-chaotic mutated ratmen who want to consume the whole world. Sounds quite good fun, except for two things. One: horde again; two: I don't like painting fur...

Finally the Empire. If anything these guys are the most "normal" of the setting. Baseline humans occupying a series of principalities joined together for the common good in a teutonic empire. All good, however there's nothing here that really inspires me - they're boring! Moving on...


Now we've got down to the final five (blast it - can't think of a Cylon joke...) I'll treat them individually.

Tomb Kings

One of the newer armies, Tomb Kings have always interested me. These guys are Egyptian themed undead with lots of skeletons: skeleton archers, skeleton horsemen, skeleton charioteers; all backed up with animated statues. Yes, the Sphinx can kill people in this game.

The thing that I really liked though was their unique magic system, which was much more systematic and ritualistic than any other army in the game.

When I opened the latest army book I discovered that had been "improved" away, so no Tomb Kings for me.

Vampire Counts

With Tomb Kings out the running, I turned next to the vampires. How awesome sounds an army with a few extremely powerful figures (the vampires) backed up by hordes of shambling undead (zombies)?

While the coolness was tempting, that word ultimately put me off again - horde. Bah!



High Elves

When I first started playing Warhammer the army I collected was High Elves, and I've identified with them ever since. A powerful elite army (few miniatures = less painting = yippee!) with the Most Powerful Magic™ in the world, backed up by Eagles, Phoenixes and Dragons - what more could any Tolkien fanboy want?

In the end though I decided it would be better to try something new.

Dark Elves

Something new almost turned out to be something very new indeed - the Dark Elves.

Dark cousins to the High Elves, this army is like holding a twisted mirror to the last. Almost every unit type is replicated, with an entertaining amount of backstabbing, slavery and sacrifice thrown in for good measure. Add to all that the Most Evil Magic™ in the world and it would seem like a done deal.

One problem, Dark Elves are the latest army to be revised for eighth edition (see my earlier comments) and everybody is collecting them because of this. I'm not one to be part of the crowd so that ruled out the dark ones.


What does that leave then? Well that's simple... but also another post, for another time.

In my defence...

Hello all, my name is Ben Hollas and I am the other party to this madness.

Now that Luke has explained in his post (the first on the page, it shouldn't be hard to find) what this is about, I find I've little do in my introduction, other than offer a defence to the (what I wish was) libel he wrote about me.

As Luke has said, we both are "gamers" (a terrible, terrible phrase), I enjoy playing computer games, card games, roleplaying games, board games and most certainly wargames.

Twilight Imperium - don't say you weren't warned!

Certain parts of each appeal to me: I've played CRPGs, turn-based strategy games, civilisation construction games, MMORPGs; everything from poker to Magic: the Gathering; Dungeons and Dragons (in four incarnations) and others; Monopoly (I'm sorry if you don't know what this one is) to Twilight Imperium (I'm so, so sorry if you do know what this one is); and almost every game Games Workshop has produced in the last twenty years as well as Other Wargames™.

There is something I enjoy about all of these, but I keep returning to wargames time and time again - why is this you might ask?

Well, if you're asking a question I hope you put up your hand first (did you not read Luke's post?)

I can't exactly put my finger on it, there's just something about the tactical challenge. If you've played a wargame (and I'm sure most of you have - chess is the most famous wargame of them all) you may understand: you have a set number of pieces, with set abilities and a confined set of rules in which to achieve a specific objective. Ninety-nine per cent of the time you're also playing against specific person, which makes victory all the sweeter.

Note to self: remember to win battles during this Tale of Two Ex-Gamers, something I have a habit of not doing...

Ahem... sorry, got distracted.

Anyhow, Warhammer was the very first wargame I ever played and so it has always had a soft spot in my heart, and that's why I'm delighted to be having a go at this project with Luke.

What's that I hear you ask? Where is my actual defence against what Luke said?

Oh yes, I suppose I'd better respond to that, as it is this post's title after all.

To be fair to Luke, most of what he said is true - the majority of my miniatures both Games Workshop and Other Wargames™ are glacier white (if not, they're probably night-time pitch black - it's amazing what you can achieve with spray paints), but this isn't due to lack of interest in the game, or even lack of interest in painting.

I'm just not a very good painter.

By which I mean, I can't paint both well and quickly.

Coupled with the fact that I'm a perfectionist and I'm sure you'll see my problem.

I've read about people who can just turn around the paint job on an entire army in a weekend - I would love to be that person!

I like each miniature (please note that's the correct term, whatever Luke says: these are miniatures, not models. Never models) to appear well-painted, but that takes me ages; and I just don't have time (all those other games you see) to paint armies.

I'm good at all the other aspects of this hobby: collecting is fine, I'm awesome at collecting. Playing I enjoy, although I refer you to the note to self above. It's just painting I have a problem with.

Hopefully, this challenge will help with that though. For if there's anything else I am, it's competitive.

Therefore Luke, I say to you - the challenge is on!

Oh man, are we really doing this again?

Hello, everyone. My name is Luke Edwards and I was a gamer.

Well, actually, that 'was' thing is a tricky bit. I still 'game' (as much as that word can be taken as a verb), but my games changed.

I still play computer games, board games, card games, and many others.

But then there was what started it all: Games Workshop.

You've probably passed one in the street. They still exist, although perhaps smaller in number. Little black and red shops with little army men in the windows.

Many of you may have passed it with out a second thought.

But for some of us, as young impressionable kids, it was a treasure trove.

In the long run, however, there is no company in the world that is better at driving away its own customers than Games Workshop. For reasons ranging from killing our favorite games and rising prices for the unchanged models, the longer you stick around the more jaded you get.

A long time ago, myself and my friend Ben Hollas, put down Games Workshop's products for the last time...

...

...

...till now.

Is it a mistake? Probably. 

Will it all blow up in our faces? Most assuredly!

Will it be amusing? Damn right, it will!

To make it interesting, we've recalled an old favourite of Games Workshop's magazine White Dwarf: A Tale of Four Gamers. (Ok, there are only two of us and we are lapsed gamers, so the title needed adjustment).

A Tale of Two (Ex-) Gamers follows a simple set of rules:

• The competitors/victims will each select an army from the Warhammer Fantasy range.
• Each month they will have a set amount to spend on said models for said army.
• The models will be assembled and painted in their month of purchase, points are traditionally scored for progress.
• Games will be played with those armies as they grow, which once again gathers points.

"Sounds simple, but why do it?" I hear you ask.

Firstly, please put your hand up if you have something to say.

Secondly, because it allows Ben and myself to sidestep the three big problems we face in the collection of miniature wargames:

1. Faction ADD: We (OK, almost entirely 'I') have been known in the past to buy models for factions that don't associate with anything we already own. This kind of reckless purchasing of 'shiny' things is incredibly damaging to ones finances. Here we focus on a single army with laser like precision.
2. Painting Sloth: (Not to be confused with 'Painting Sloths', such as a Great Fighting Sloths of Raegar IV) We (OK, very, very much Ben) is not a fast painter. He is certainly not a bad painter, far from it, but by God is he slow. Really slow. Like glacial pace (which is fitting since most of his models have a 'Glacier' inspired paint scheme of a simple coat of white spray). In the time it has taken you to read this post Ben could have done one of two things: Read a Terry Pratchett novel (he devours those things...) or begin to think about painting. If he had done the former he would have finished by now. If he had done the latter he would have got to the letter 'a' in 'painting' and promptly procrastinated. This blog will make sure he paints on time by offering both reward in points and also the shame of failure from all of you readers shouting 'Shame!' at him each time you see him.
3. Control: We will have a set amount to spend each month. No more. Money can be carried over if we under-spend  This is absolutely key because, as with many hobbies, thoughtless over spending can and does occur. This way the hobby becomes manageable and wallet friendly.

So, the rules as they stand for us:

• One army each.
• £30 to spend each month on models (£50 in the first month to get started).
• Models are to be painted within a month of purchase or penalties will be levied (two months allowed for first month of models, as the quantity is higher).
• Points are scored for models assembled, models painted, and games won.
• Blog posts must be made informing of progress in order to claim points.

I'll write up some more specific information later, but it should be a whale of a time.

So, even if you've never heard of this 'Warhammer' and you don't have any time for this little plastic men rubbish, stick around. It'll be funny. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll watch as we extract plastic spears from our feet (SO much worse than stepping on Lego...) On the way we'll also be posting musing on a variety of topics in what is sure to be both 'enlightening' and 'hilarious' (the truth lies in the inverted commas...).

One final truth before we go: This blog is a motivational engine to keep us going in this endeavor. Without it we would likely lose pace and give up. Any comments you folks provide will only help us along.

We promise amusement, bemusement and probably confusement in equal measure.

Oh, and one more thing, if you think this sounds like fun you're welcome to join us. Feel free to run a parallel blog, or we'll add you to ours. Who knows, you might even enjoy it!

So hold tight, folks. This one could get ugly fast.